present and future

mmkkk so lets see....what has gone on in my life lately...not much. kyle is doing amazing. he got two commitments for baptism. which i was really excited about. it was only his first few days out too. so thats awesome! i just sent him a package with candy and chips and pictures. i cant wait to send the next one...which will most likely be for his birthday. he has asked for a book. which i'll get for him. plus some more ties and other stuff he needs. haha he says the people in his apartment say that how did he get such a beautiful girl to go out with him and they say that i wont wait for him...he laughs and tells them that i will :) which i will. i never was the type of girl to go out on dates every weekend. thats just not me. so thats not going to be a problem. i already know that ive met the one! he was like and dont forget, i'm wearing a pink tux...our wedding colors are pink and brown....i was like good luck with that. anywho...still looking for a second job...kinda hard when no one is hiring. but i just need to be positive and pray that someone will hire me. i need to start saving my money. i'm hoping that if i do get a second job, i can put one check into savings and one into checking. that will help me a lot. school is alright. kinda behind...gotta catch up...things get in my way...i get too distracted...i just cannot concentrate...i'm thinking i have add...along with other problems that cause me to stress so much. i mean it runs in my family...i swear i have the worst genes ever. its not fair. its not right either. like why me? why do i have to have everything wrong? ugh! but whatever. i just need to take one step at a time. hopefully, i'll be able to see someone and that will help me a lot. hmmm...oh so i wanna loose like 30 pounds...i was like hey i'll get a lap band...ha yeah right...i went to the website...and well i dont weigh enough. you have to be like 100 pounds overweight inorder to get one. i just need to watch what i eat, how much i eat, how much exercsise i get and all that fun stuff. a friend is going to help me with that. she said getting a lap band will be good for me as long as i eat right and exercise...well she doesnt know that you have to be 100 pounds overweight.....everyone has something about them they want to change. with some people, its getting a boob job, or facelift...with others, its being thinner. i want to be thinner. i will need help but i can do it if i really put my mind to it...but i cant concentrate long enough to tell myself i can do it. also, my sleep patterns are all messed up so therefore, my eating habits are bad. i should be eating three meals a day along with small snacks here and there. well i eat like one meal a day with numerous snacks. thats not good. and this is why i would like to learn how to cook. i'm sure its not hard...i just need ingrediants...and i cant spell...and food in order to cook. maybe i'll take a class here at school. that would be fun. i dont know why i started this blog....the only person who reads it is my mother...ha just like the movie julie and julia or whatever its called. see, that would be a fun thing to do...go through a whole cookbook and cook everything in there. i wish i had the time and money to do that. anyways....i often wonder which of my friends will be married first...i mean there are like 2 that have gotten married already...but like which one of us(out of the group i normally hang out with) will get married first. a lot can happen in like 2 years...i'm not the only one who is bound to get hitched....i just cant wait till my friends do get married. it will be cool to see who they marry, where they get married at....a lot of my friends arent lds so it would be cool to go to a non lds wedding....i've only been to like two receptions...i hardly remember them. well i'll update more when i get home....annette wants to go get food....later blog world!

happy

i love getting emails and letters from kyle. they make me very happy! one of the only things that do make me happy lately. he says i'm getting a surprise soon! i cant wait to see what it is! im sending him a package with a ton of candy and hot cheetos and pictures and bubbles...ha. he's been gone a month already! time is going by fast! anyway, if the letters arent too personal, i'll post them on here.

psalms 18

mmkk so psalms 18:32 is my favorite scripture of all time. but all of psalms 18 is great. i posted my favorite parts of it.

30As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

31For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God?
32It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
33He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places.
34He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.
35Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.
36Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.
37I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed.
38I have wounded them that they were not able to rise: they are fallen under my feet.
39For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.
40Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies; that I might destroy them that hate me.

if you have a chance, read all of psalms 18! pretty much this is telling me that i can be perfect like the Lord. He will guide my feet and make me strong. He will help me with my problems and my enemies. i know that when i am having a hard time dealing with things, He will be here to lift me up and get me back into battle. the battle of life. things are going to be hard at some points. you have to fight your way through. in the end, you'll win. it will take a lot of help to win your own battles, but you will get there. weither you think you will make it or not, you will with the help of the Lord and the help of great people around you.

i love this picture. i edited it to make it look awesome :)

umm...

kyle gets to call home tomorrow!!!! im so excited! happiest day in like three weeks! emails and sends snail mail which i get very excited over. i love when he writes me. its one of the only things that makes me truely happy lately. im sure that will change soon....i hope. its just that things with myself arent all that great. but im going to change it and hopefully i will be a much happier, and a much more social person. also tomorrow, i'm going to the irish cultural center with my cousin! happy st. pattys day!! so that should be fun. kyle also leaves for dc tomorrow as well, thats why he gets to call home. it seems like everyone in my family is getting sick....sad to say i feel it coming too...oh no! i hope i dont get pink eye like the rest of them. or else i wont be able to work! so far, its just a sore throat. im hoping that goes away. i also got invited to this princess thing with the girls in the singles ward. that should be fun! i wonder if we can dress up like princesses...cuz i wanna wear my pretty princess prom dress haha. ohhh its spring break...a few friemds went to vegas...they didnt invite me...well guess what? theyre not getting invited to come to california with me for my birthday over the summer....ha. so im stuck at home...well ive been at my cousins house for the past couple of days...no money to do anything so we've just been hanging out and watchin movies and such. im sure none of this makes any sense...oh well. its my blog and nothing has to make sense. im pretty sure i also have homework to do...ugh i just dont want to do anything but sit and stare at the tv...i need a girls night out. i need to be with good friends who can make me laugh and who i know wont do anything dumb. those are hard to find....but im hoping that will change. i just wanted to thank all the wonderful girls that are in my life and who have helped me along this broken path that i;ve been on. im not making any sense like at all. maybe i should stop typing now.

life

todays post really isn't about what i did this week. eh i guess i'll start by a short summary of what i did do...if i can remember. lets see friday, i just worked then home. saturday...i dont remember what i did on saturday...oh yeah i made popcorn balls for my kids. sunday went to church and took my kids for a walk outside. they got all their energy out by running around. then we planted flowers and ate popcorn. on monday, i spent the whole day with my aunt and cousins. tuesday spent the whole day with annette getting lunch, doing my hair, just having fun. yesterday, i went and looked for a new job. i have a butt load of applications. haha. and today...today is what i want to mostly talk about. my bio class got out almost 2 hours early. so a friend and i went and got starbucks. we came back to the campus and sat in her car for like an hour. we were just talking about life and stuff. and how life changes and how people become upset or sad or even depressed. now i'm not going to say exactly what we talked about because its personal. but i will say that people act happy around those who they dont want to upset. when really, theyre sad or mad or upset or depressed or whatever. people will act happy just so others dont have to worry about them. i'd like to think i'm pretty good at hiding my emotions. so this is somewhat easy for me. at the end of the day, i know that the person who i was during the day, is not the person who i am when i go to sleep. when i wake up in the mornings, i put on a face for everyone else. a face that people expect. someone who everyone knows. i try and hide who i was when i fell asleep. so far, ive done a pretty good job. i dont know if i would call myself depressed or not. there are a lot of things going on right now and its all too much for me to handle. and i know that people say oh everyone is like that, i know how you feel, your life isnt that bad, and all that stuff. but they dont know the real me. they know the person i put on for them so they wont find out. really, they have no idea what is going on in my life right now. its not only kyle being gone, but other stuff as well that i wont talk about. and its like i want to tell people that they dont know whats going on, but i'd rather them just think i'm okay and im doing fine. i dont want people to worry about me and my life. i want people to think i'm happy. i'm not like trying to be fake or anything like that. its not like oh hey i'll be happy and be your friend and talk to you and act like i like you. no its not like that. if im your friend, i wont be fake. i just wont tell you whats going on in my life, unless i know for sure youre not going to go around telling everyone. really, theres only one person who really knows how i'm feeling. only He knows whats going on. and only He can give me comfort if i let Him in. which has been hard to do lately since i'm not sure about really anything anymore. its hard to talk to Him when i dont want Him knowing, but He does. and another thing, if people dont like me, i'd like to know why they dont like me and what did i do to them to make me not like them. i try and be nice to everyone, even if i do have to fake it. but if i do have to fake being nice to someone, its either because i know i dont like them and i know i wont see them ever again, so the one or two times i do see them, yeah i'll act nice. but its not like i'm going to turn around and start talking about you. like really, i have better things to do than to talk trash about someone. now if people want to think that i do, then let them think that. now if you dont like me but act all nice, then go and start talking crap, why even talk to me at all? but whatever. i try not take things too serious. haha yeah right. i take everything serious. but i mean i do try not to let things get to me. i dont want more negative energy on me when i already have enough. but yeah thats pretty much it. i dont expect people to treat me any different than what theyve been treating me...im not trying to get attention, if i was trying to get attention, i'd look like a slut or wear ugly stuff or something.

soo my popcorn balls didnt look as good as these, but pretty dang close.

i do NOT drink coffee....i drink the hot chocolate and the double chocolate chip frapp :)

my emotions change a lot...

so i'm trying to talk more with Him and let Him know whats goin on.

thinking

okay okay so i know i said i would only update this once a week. but i've been thinking a lot about stuff lately. mostly about kyle. so far i've gotten two letters, i havent checked my mail in a few days, so i dont know if he's written any more. i told him that i am praying and reading my scriptures more. he said he loves me for doing that and it will help me gain and help my testimony grow stronger. its really hard not having him here. its even harder when people ask about him. all i can do is just smile and think that he's doing well and learning what he needs to learn so he can teach those willing to learn. i'm thinking i will try and be a better missionary myself. i'll try and tell more people about the church and as i'm doing that, i'll learn more about it too. i wish that i had grown up in an active family. i wish i had gone to primary everyweek. i wish i had paid more attention in seminary and sunday school. well now that i'm a teacher, teaching sunbeams, i get the chance to learn the stuff i never was able to learn. taking institute has also helped me. i hope that when kyle comes back home, we will be able to talk about the gosple and i'll understand what he's saying. its been almost two weeks since he's been gone. almost everynight i have dreams with him in them. i miss him terribly but i know that his letters will leave me at peace and give me comfort that he's alright. i just need to keep busy and just pray and read more.

week two of my crazy life

holy cow! this has been a very busy week. i guess i'll start from thursday of last week. it was a very busy day for me. i left my house at like 7:00 am for school...left school at 1:15. then annette and i went to taco bell for lunch. yummy yummy food :) after that we went to asu to get my cousin, nikki, from school. usually i work on thursdays, but i took the day off so i wouldn't be an emotional wreck at work. so i normally wouldnt get my brother and cousin josh from school, but i did. so anyways, annette, my brother, my cousins, and i all went back to my aunts house. we were all just sitting around trying to find something to do. so i was like hey lets go to the dollar theater. so my cousins, annette, and i went and saw new moon. it was my third time seeing it. :) so that was a good day. then on friday i just went to school and worked. not much fun there. on saturday, i didn't really do anything during the day. in the evening, i went over to kyle's house and hung out there till danielle got off of work. we went to the mall and just went window shopping. after that we went back to my house and while she updated her blog, i made cookies. :) they were sooo good. ohhh and i got my first letter from kyle!!!! i was sooooo happy! he's doing fine. he said its comfusing but he'll get the hang of it. i'm hoping to hear from him sometime this weekend. lets see...on sunday was my friends farewell so i went to that. after that i went to my wards meetings. i didnt teach but we took our sunbeams outside for a little walk so they could see what the rain did for the plants. theyre the cuttest kids ever. i love them. on monday, that was a semi-busy day. i went to school, then got my brother and cousin from school. went and picked up danielle for fhe. we got starbucks before we went to fhe. mmm i love their hot chocolate and double chocolate chip frappachinos. soo for fhe, the lesson was on friends. and what a good friend is and how to be a good friend. it was a really great lesson and i hope that i'm a good friend to all of my friends. i know that i dont have a lot, but most of them are really great! i appriciate them and all they do for me. then we played family fued. oh my gosh it was so much fun. then danielle and i got drinks at qt and on the way back to her house we just talked about random stuff and how she thinks one of the guys was cute. i tried hooking them up, but he's interested in another girl...lesson learned:flirt with whoever you want, but when the time comes, either let him come to you, or flirt like crazy till he does like you haha ;) then on tuesday, after class annette came over. we made some bomb chicken and rice for lunch. then we watched king arthur...i fell asleep only because i was really tired. i woke up just in time for institute. we're taking a parables of jesus class. it's alright. its really long so next week, we might come late so we dont have to sit in class for an hour and a half. anyway we went into the game room and played fooseball. we started to leave when this guy, john, was coming in and was like "hey youre leaving? the party is just getting started." haha so annette and i played him in a round of fooseball and totally kicked his trash! it was great. i'm hoping i will get to meet more people and therefore and more great friends. yesterday was kind of boring. i didnt really do anything. i had plans with a friend but she has pink eye. anyways thats about it.